...freaking out about tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day that I will (more than likely) find out the results of Julia's genetic testing for Tuberous Sclerosis.
Someone asked me today how I felt about it (did I feel like the doc was going to say she had it or not, you know my gut feeling). Unfortunately, my gut is telling me yes (even if my mind keeps saying no). I think "my gut" is basing it's feeling on the past year and eight months. Virtually every medical thing that has had the option of going one way (the good way) or the other (the bad way) has gone the other. So, you know, why would this time be any different?
As for my mind, I am pretty sure it keeps saying "no" because it's aware of how emotionally devastating/depressing it would be for me to find out that we have not one but two children (and if we have two, more than likely we have three) with this horrible disease. Honestly, it's not due to optimism...at this point and at the rate medically related crap has been going, optimism has pretty much flown the coop). I have said a number of times that I might actually "die" if we found out that Julia had it. Of course, this is an exaggeration, but honestly, that is how intense the feelings are.
Part of me can't wait for tomorrow to come.
And another small part of me wishes it never would.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Whatever the results are, it's gonna be ok. I know you guys are strong enough to deal with whatever the tests say. :)
ReplyDeleteEither way, knowing for sure is better than not knowing, right?
And if Julia has TS, well, you already know what that means, and you can deal with it. It's not the worst thing she could have. Just a tough thing. But she's a great little fighter. And she'll keep pushing. I have faith in her :)