Glenda

The other night I had a dream that we had to bring Katie to the ER because of a cut on her hand that was infected and not healing.  For some reason, Ryun and Julia came along.  While we were there, we ran in to the nurse who in "real life" was the nurse we had for all three kids when when they were born.  Ryun and I referred to her as "robo nurse" because though she was very kind and warm, she was also very to the point, and acted somewhat like a robot doing every thing she needed to do.  I loved her and she was the perfect nurse to get me to "attend to the task at hand."  Her name was Glenda.

In the dream she had switched from working with mothers and babies to the ER.  Before she walked in to the room, the air was very tense and I was wondering if they were going to be able to fix Katie's hand.  In the dream, I kept looking at the hand off and on consistently, with a constant stream of negative thoughts about what was about to happen and would could happen if the doctors could not help her,  I remember waking up after the dream wondering why I was so worked up about about her hand,  It was a tiny scratch with a slightly red tinge around it which in reality would never be something I would bring Katie to the ER for.  When Glenda walked in, before she even spoke, this immediate sense of peace, and "everything will be ok" calm came over me.  As she took a look at her hand, and in her matter of fact way assured us she would be fine, the negative thoughts stopped and I felt like everything would be good and Katie would be alright.  We then officially introduced Katie and Julia to her as two kids she had helped bring in to the world and had the typical, "Wow, I can't believe how grown up they have gotten" conversation that always seems to come up when someone has not seen the kids in years (in her case since a day or two after they were born).   The dream ended at that point.

The strongest thing that stood out to me in this dream was the big deal I was making about Katie's hand, which was really nothing more than a scratch.  The feeling of anxiety and stress was intense.  In reality, this past couple of years have not been the easiest for Katie, and by extension, me...nothing earth shattering or life changing...just every day things perhaps magnified by strong emotions from both of us.  Somehow I feel like the small cut on her hand which was not worthy of such an intense reaction from myself was a symbol to put me back in check...not make a mountain out of a molehill so to speak.  The fact that it was Katie's hand was even more telling...to me it symbolized that she may need a little "helping hand" right now, but that she will "heal and be ok."

As for Glenda's part in all of this (someone who I have not thought of in years) the only thing I can come up with is that the name Glenda means fair, good and holy,  Maybe she was representing an angelic, heavenly type figure who was there to reassure.  Maybe it was her real life connection with Katie's start in life showing us that she has "made it through" everything else along the way up to this point, and we will make it through this too.

I love when my dreams reflect my waking life and provide guidance for how to move forward.

Reminders to Set Up Reminders

I need to set reminders for every darn thing in my life. I mean obviously for appointments and things like that but also for the everyday. Like, "Hey don't forget to do the laundry today" and "Remember to pray" and "Call this person or place you have meaning to call forever" and "Oh yeah, make sure you take out the chicken to thaw so you can cook dinner tonight" and so on and so on and so on. It is kind of pathetic really. I need reminders to set up the reminders. Does anyone else have this problem? What creative solutions do you have to keep your life and schedule organized?

Good Vibrations

Every night before I fall asleep, I pray.  Much of the time it is a very simple prayer that goes something like, "Thank you.  I welcome you in to my life, please show me the way."  Once in a while it is more elaborate and sometimes, it is more like a jumbled mess of thoughts and not really like a prayer at all.   About a week ago I had prayed the simple, "Thank you..." prayer and the strangest thing happened.  For about thirty seconds I felt this weird, yet positive "vibration" through my whole body.  It was more like a pulsing of energy than a vibration and it was like nothing I had ever felt before.  In the short time span of maybe ten seconds I had two immediate thoughts.  The first was that we were having an earthquake, followed quickly by the thought that I was experiencing some sort of medical emergency.  However,  when I shut my mind off and just let myself experience the feeling, it  was not one of fear or pain...it's was this overwhelming feeling of goodness and positivity.  How did I feel about this?  Obviously I asked God/the universe/my higher power to come into my life and someone or something took that opportunity to make their presence known in a very physical way.  What other explanation could there be?

I have always felt very connected in a spiritual way; more so in recent years than ever before.  I don't always know or interpret it as a connection to God but more of a connection with the universe or some other realm; a higher power for sure that just doesn't always have a clear definition. I don't know how to explain it really but what I know for sure is this: when I take the time to pray, meditate or focus my energy, whatever I am hoping, wishing or asking for usually comes to be in one way or another.  Sometimes this fact freaks me out a little.   Honestly the whole possibility of a higher power freaks me out a little.

My skepticism is always put in to question when I jump in full force praying, meditating and focusing and the answers I am looking for present.   In those moments I am reassured and convinced that there is someone or something out there looking out for me, listening to me and working in my favor to guide me through this thing called life.  The energy pulsing through my body that night only helped reinforce this belief.  And, even in the face of recent events personally and in the world as a whole, since that night I have had this overwhelming sense of peace, a newfound confidence and a general feeling that everything will be alright.

I was hesitant about posting this...because even though it was my own experience, even to me it sounds a bit "out there."  But this year is all about stepping out of my comfort zone and even though there might be a few eye rolls or questions regarding my experience or beliefs, I am done worrying about what other people's interpretations of me might be.  I know me, my higher power knows me and I am perfectly comfortable with that.

Reflections on Turning 40

I don't know why I expected there to be some big revelation...like I would suddenly realize what my purpose here on earth is, or I would have some other big "a-ha" moment and bam, my life as I know it would be drastically different.  In reality, one full month in to my fortieth year, I don't really feel all that different than I did in my 39th year.  I think my big revelations came a couple of years ago, making all of that "life begins at 40" stuff seem less intense.  There have been many a-ha moments, lessons learned and experiences along the way.  Some have been exhilarating, some painful, and some just were.  One thing is clear, I still feel as though I have yet to "arrive."  Maybe this will be the year I figure it all out...maybe it won't.  Either way is fine with me.  

"Each one of us has our own evolution of life, and each one of us goes through different tests which are unique and challenging. But certain things are common. And we do learn things from each other's experience. On a spiritual journey, we all have the same destination." ~A.R. Rahman~

Reasons Unknown

It is a strange thing when you see something that reminds you of someone and you go to call them, only to remember that they haven't been a part of your life for two years.  There have been a lot of changes in my life over this time; most of them for the better. For some reason though, looking back, this person not being a part of my life still hurts.  It was their choice to leave.  While I made some decisions that were absolutely a contributing factor in their choice, in the end the simple fact that they left during one of the most tumultuous, difficult and trying times of my life (no matter that I brought it on myself) says a lot about how true a friend they really were to begin with.

 I truly believe that God, the universe, and "nature" really have plan that defies understanding sometimes, though that lack of understanding may be hard to accept, I have to believe that there is a reason for everything, even if it isn't clear at the time.  For some reason, unbeknownst to be, this person was not meant to be with me.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.

RIP Dr. Dyer

The first book I read of  Dr. Wayne Dyer's was "I Can See Clearly Now." Perhaps my favorite quote from the book is this:  "I’ve spoken often of the metaphor of the wake of a boat— that the wake is nothing more than the trail that is left behind, and it has no power in the present. It does not and cannot drive the boat. It is a trail that has no influence on the boat whatsoever."  It was early on in the book and was the first time of many times since then that I felt as if Dr. Dyer was speaking directly to me.

  One of the best gifts I got from reading Dr. Dyer's books was the ability his words had to "make me see." I don't know how to explain it really.  He spoke to me on many levels, in many ways.  I have had countless "aha" moments while reading his books or watching his tv specials.  His perspective, outlook, and attitude have meant so much to me over the past couple of years and I truly believe were a catalyst for my journey from the darkness in to the light.  While it seems weird to be this affected by the passing of someone I have never met, his influence on me has been immeasurable.  He may be physically gone but his teachings, spirit, and wisdom will continue to change the world through the legacy he left behind.

To The Critic Inside My Head

Shut up!  Just shut up!  I don't need you and your damn negativity taking up space in my head.  I have overcome too much to let you get in my way.  There is no room for you in my life.  None.  Whatsoever.  So get the hell out.  And stay out.  You are not welcome here.

Head Games

I wish I didn't put so much stock in my dreams but as silly as this may sound to some, it is very rare (like almost non-existent) that I have a dream that doesn't have some underlying meaning.  My dreams almost always have very specific symbols in them...usually animals.  

Over the past few years in particular, I have grown quite good at interpreting meanings, without the aid of  book or website.  I am able to make pretty decent connections between my dreams and real life, and how they may relate.  Usually, even if in some round about way, they do.

So I am trying not to be too concerned about a couple of recent dreams involving my head.  The first one was about a bug biting my head that would not let go.  I think it was a tick but that was not 100% clear.  It didn't hurt; it was more of a nuisance.  No matter what I tried, or whose help I employed, we could not get it off of  my head.  When I woke up, the immediate thought I had was that something had been trying to "infiltrate" my head to...well, to take over.  It was unsettling to say the least. 

The second dream involved me putting an exorbitant amount of cover up (makeup) on my face...before going to bed at night.  In my dream, I was getting ready and after putting the cover up on I was thinking to myself it was silly to put it on before bed. However, when I thought it would make sense to wash it off, I decided against it because the results of doing so could be bad, very bad.  The obvious interpretation upon waking was that I was trying to hide or cover something up about myself.  Also very unsettling.

Needless to say, I will be paying a bit closer attention in my waking life to my feelings, thoughts and any notion of being "infiltrated" or over-powered.  And is it weird that I totally want to call my PCP (which I need to do anyway to schedule a physical...UGH) and ask for an MRI of my head?  Seriously. 

Life Explained

I suppose the old adage, "It's never too late" really is true, but do you ever wonder why lessons come so "late" in life?  Something happens and you think, "Hmm...wish I had known this, heard that, thought about this etc. back when I blah blah blah."  This sort of thing happens to me all of the time. Is it a "late thirties" thing (ok almost 40)?  Here are some of the things I wish I knew back when...

-Sometimes you think you know exactly where your life is headed.  Sometimes you are right.  I would venture to say most of the time you are not.  And that's ok.  Sometimes the path is clear.  Sometimes there are obstacles.  Sometimes there are forks.  Sometimes you have to forge through the forest.  There might be people on your path for some of the time.  They may go astray.  That is ok too.  If they are meant to walk with you they will.  There might be some parts of in the journey in which you feel completely alone.  Maybe you are.  Just keep moving.  Many times, your final destination changes.  Different paths emerge.  Obstacles force you to take a new road.  Just let it happen.  Ultimately you will get to where you need to be, where you are supposed to be.

-"People will hate you, shake you, rate you and break you, but how strong you stand will make you." No one knows you like you know you.  In the end that is all that matters.  Know yourself and love what you know.  If you don't love what you know, work harder than ever to change it so you do. It will be hard but it will be worth it.  Trust me on this one.

-In every situation GO WITH YOUR GUT.  Yes, I am "yelling" that one.  It's probably the most important thing I will say in this whole entry.  Trust yourself.  Don't let anyone make you second guess yourself.  Just do it.

-Sometimes it just feels "right" to eat a bag of chips.  Like a whole bag.  With french onion dip.  Yeah, maybe you need to lose 50 pounds and maybe the greasy mess will do nothing for your complexion but trust me when I say one bag of chips is not going to kill you.   Every once in a while just splurge.  And I am not saying that I am doing that right now or anything.  Ok maybe I am (minus the french onion dip dammit) but you know what, I refuse to worry about it.

- Don't let anyone dull your sparkle!  This quote explains:  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  ~Marianne Williamson~

-Forget about all of the reasons it won't work and focus on the one reason it will.  Just be positive.  Think positive.  Change your self talk from I can't, to I can.  

-Coffee is life.  Up there on the same level of importance as oxygen.  Functioning without it may actually be possible but not recommended.

-Every once in a while, Mom did have a good idea.  

-When you have kids you will wish you could teach them all of these life lessons (and then some) now. You will to some degree try.  They won't listen (or at least you won't think they are).  Then someday, perhaps when they too are in their late 30's they will come to some of these realizations (as well as some of there own).  "You have to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because most of life's lessons are best learned in pain."

Wholey Hard

I think it is safe to say that breakfast is the hardest meal to stick to 100% whole 30.  I hate not being able to have yogurt and I can only have so many eggs before getting bored.  Even fruit is getting boring only five days in.  I can say with full confidence that as soon as I am done I will be re-introducing dairy and grains of the non-gluten variety.  I will limit both but this this strict no cheating allowed situation is not for me.

As continue to go through this I have found that my thinking is changing a bit.  I am still positive that gluten is bad news...really bad news.  I have done so much reading and research about gluten since Julia's Celiac Disease diagnosis.  I am convinced that nothing good comes from gluten, even in small amounts.  As for everything else (grains, dairy, legumes etc.),  well, I am not convinced that the occasional ingestion of any of these could be a bad thing.

I think that when all is said and done when it comes to health and diet, the best advice I have ever heard is "everything in moderation."  I also believe that when dining out and cooking at home even, the opportunity to make better choices is always there.  In the past, I have always chosen "easier."   I know I can choose "better for me."

So, I am not sure where I am at with this whole 30 thing right now.  There are a few things I do know.

1.  I will not be re-introducing gluten in to my diet.

2.  I will continue to make water my drink of choice with an occasional glass of wine/beer and the once a day cup of coffee which I will sweeten with coconut milk and oil only.  I will not be drinking soda in any form or variety.

3. My dairy intake will consist of the occasional yogurt, milk in a bowl of gluten free cereal on occasion, butter in limited quantities (like when used in baking for example), cheese every once in a while.

4. Fried, greasy foods will be so infrequent that I should practically consider them eliminated from my diet.  I am not however going to deny myself the very once in a while indulgence.

And the biggest thing of all...

5.  I WILL be more thoughtful about my food.  I will allow myself the time to plan and make positive decisions about what I am cooking/eating.  I will make smarter choices when dining out.

Whole-y Tired

Day three was...exhausting.  I was so tired today I could barely function...and even took a nap on the couch (which is unheard of for me).  I also had a mild headache all day.  I think I am officially in the "hangover stage."

I am officially used to drinking my coffee sans sugar and cream.  If that is the only thing that sticks then that will be something.  I never thought I would be able to do this honestly.

This is a very short update but it is all I have for today.  I am off to get some sleep!

Whole-y Harder

Today was day two on the Whole 30 Plan, and it was definitely harder than day one.  I had the same breakfast and lunch as yesterday.  I think that may have been part of the reason is was more difficult today; I think the only way to keep on track will be to have more of a variety.  So to that end I spent the morning looking at recipes with a focus on "plan-safe" snacks.  I came up with a few that I think I will try.

I also spent some time on Twitter (@wholeyfood is where you can follow me there) adding contacts and scanning through the various tips and suggestions of those I follow.  I forgot how much I love Twitter for quick and to the point bulletins!

For dinner tonight I had a turkey burger (sans bun) with cucumbers and cantaloupe.  I sprinkled a small amount of seasoned salt on both the cucumbers and cantaloupe.  Have you ever had salt on cantaloupe?  I discovered this awesomeness by accident when a restaurant served french fries with a side of cantaloupe  and some of the salt ended up on it.  So delicious.  Even though the whole 30 plan doesn't have much to say on the salt front (except that it is ok to have it considering how much salt you are cutting out by avoiding processed and packaged foods), I only sprinkled a small amount.  

So far, I can honestly say I am not missing the sugar in my coffee (which I almost just typed as coffee in my sugar so that should be a pretty good indication of how much I used to add to my coffee).  I haven't missed the grains much either yet.  Eating a burger without a bun was uneventful.  Not having a bowl of cereal for breakfast is...fine. It is weird not drinking milk or having a yogurt but so far that's it.  I can see how snacking might eventually lead to major grain cravings so I will continue to come up with plan safe snacks to help avoid the temptation.

I hope that as I go along I will "trust myself" more and not question my will power as much.  I turned down two invitations to eat outside of my home tonight.  I am not ready to face that kind of temptation yet (despite the options available I know I am not at the point yet where I will make smart decisions while out).   I think when I start to see and feel the results of my efforts, it will boost my "I can do this" and going out and ordering smart will just be what I do.

Whole-y Moly.

So...after doing a ridiculous amount of reading including, Grain Brain, Wheat Belly and It Starts with Food, I am about to start the Whole 30 diet. It is similar to Paleo but a bit more strict. It's a thirty day reset in which you eliminate added sugar (real or fake), alcohol, grains, legumes, and dairy. You can reintroduce any of these slowly after that time period but you don't have to. I know already that I will be reintroducing dairy (if it makes me feel yucky then I will eliminate it again) and maybe the occasional glass of wine and/or beer (which is what normally do anyway...barely ever drink alcohol as it is).  I am also not "allowed" to weigh or measure myself for the thirty day time period (except for one time tomorrow when I start and of course after the thirty days to see what difference there may be).  I am not doing this for just the reason of weight loss though.  My reasons are many.  Will this clear up the eczema on my legs?  Will I feel less scattered?  Will I be happier?  Will the fact that I have stuck with something for the full time be an amazing boost of confidence and motivate me to keep going?  All of this remains to be seen.  There is however, evidence to show that some or all of these things may be true after finishing the Whole 30.   I am looking forward to seeing what it means to me.  At the very least I will have successfully tested my ability to say no and make better choices in regard to food and life in general. 

I have no false illusions that this will be easy in any way but it is only for thirty days. Lately, I feel so "unchallenged" in my life; more like I am not challenging myself enough. I figured this would be the perfect jump start and a way to reset my body/metabolism etc. I have long believed that we should be going back to our "roots" when it comes to eating. Nothing is the same as it used to be with food...and there is nothing good to be said about all of the "processing" food goes through today.  Things that are supposed to be "natural" no longer are.  Don't even get me going on all of the negative effects of the "fake" sugars. 

 I am documenting this experience here.  I am going to include recipes, thoughts on how difficult it is, how hard has it been for me to better plan my food (one of my biggest challenges is lack of planning when it comes to eating), as well as how I am feeling physically and emotionally as I go through. And...I plan to be brutally honest (it's great, it stinks, I feel wonderful, I feel like crap, etc).

I finally feel like I am in the right head space to continue in this way on this journey to wellness- to improve and really take care of myself.  I have done a lot in the past year for my mental well-being.  To say that was a challenge (still is sometimes)  is putting it mildly.  There has been a lot of mental hard work and it continues to pay off.  Slowly but surely my confidence is building and this will be one more step in the right direction in a year that has been full of forward steps.   Thoughts, comments, support and well wishes are welcomed and encouraged.

Whole 30 Day 1 starts tomorrow.

Project Life

It's official.  I need a "project."  For a long time it was to draft a resume and cover letter.  I did that, applied for a job and have been looking for one as well. Then, I set up this huge picture related project scanning a bunch of old photos in to my computer and then sorting all pictures in to specific folders.  I am done with that too.  Next the project was to read up on gardening and plant vegetable seeds.  I am done with that.  The living room and dining room closets needed a major overhaul.  Done.

If you were to ask me to pick one of the biggest things I miss about my "old life" one thing would be always being busy and having some sort of project to work on.  I didn't even have to look for something to do...there was just always something ready to go as soon as I finished with another.  I am not sure that I miss being as busy as I was but I for sure miss having a "cause" to champion and the work associated with it. This is why I know I would be successful in a busy office setting when it comes to the job search.   Making/taking phone calls, scheduling meetings, writing press releases, public relations, developing and distributing informational materials,  event scheduling...all things I did as a volunteer and all things that I know I will be able to implement going forward.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the many various ways I could still volunteer in the community.  I still believe, despite all that has happened, that volunteering is at the core of my being and something that has been missing in my life for the past year.  It is hard to explain really but there is a part of me that is literally bursting at the seams, itching to get back "out there" in some way or another as a volunteer.  Like I said, I miss having a "cause to champion."  Lately, the causing I have been championing has been myself, which really has been a long time coming...taking care of myself emotionally has been a thing that had been neglected for much to long.  I suppose it is a sign of growth that I am mentally at a point that I feel I can continue to take care of me and add volunteering back in to the mix.  And, I know that I can balance the two (something I have been unable to do in the past so the easier of the two (volunteering) always won out).

I guess the next project can be looking for a volunteer opportunity that appeals to me.  I suspect finding the opportunity will not be difficult.  I won't pretend that actually taking the next step and volunteering will be easy because as well as I am doing mentally, there is still a lot of "junk" that needs sorting out up there.  Especially the junk that is concerned with how people may react to my getting back in to the mix.  Most people probably won't think anything of it and those that do...well I just need to remember that how other people treat me is their path and how I react is mine.  Besides, if there is anyone that thinks that what ever volunteer cause I dedicate myself to is not being done on my part out of pure goodness of heart, well that says a heck of a lot more about them than it does me.

Anxiety

I feel it in my gut.  Most of the time I am able to quell it by distracting myself, listening to music, writing or getting outside.  There are only a few situations in which none of my tricks work.   One such situation is when I do anything remotely related to looking for a job.  I don't know how to explain it really.  In my head, I think it is a good idea.  I go so far as to pull out my "job search materials" and get set up to begin.  Suddenly, I am so overwhelmed I end up doing nothing at all.  It is immediate.  My insides get that oh so uncomfortable butterflies feeling, accompanied sometimes by nausea, always  in conjunction with feeling like I am going to explode.   I don't think there is only one cause for this.  It is a few things; my recent history, my having been out of the "workforce" for 10 years, my concern about whether or not my immense amount of volunteer work will even count for anything given my situation, and perhaps foremost, my complete and total lack of self-confidence in this area.

For some reason in this is one of the few scenarios in my life where I can't manage to think positive.  Even in the most dire of situations I am usually able to pull something positive from it, even if it is just one tiny thing.  In addition to the above mentioned anxiety causing things, I also wonder how the scheduling will work.  Who will get Julia off of the bus if Emily is working and Katie stays after?  Will I even get a job that would mean me making enough money to pay for some after school care program for Julia or will I be working just to pay for after school care (which would make no sense obviously)?  What about when Ryun is working the late shift and isn't home to shuffle the kids to and from work, Girl Scouts, dance, and sports?   What about my counseling appointments and  various appointments for the kids?  How am I going to work and "manage" our lives?  The list goes on and on.

A lot of that is probably related to me not being comfortable with giving up some control.   I can recognize and admit that.  Still, some of the logistics do leave me worrying on some level but I know that people do figure it out and make it work.   I also know that as a "planner" and oddly the only area of my life where I feel completely organized and together,  I can make a schedule work like nobody's business.

Who Knew?

I have made no secret about my general lack of understanding regarding math beyond the basics (read: algebra).  Well, lately, Katie has been struggling with just that and we have been sitting together for literally hours at a time working on this.  I am in awe of how much more patience I have for this type of thinking.  I don't ever remember giving it this much consideration in school.  I am sure it comes with being an adult and the very obvious desire to help my own child to succeed.  Yes, my brain literally hurts when trying to help figure some of this out but the fact that I have been able to spend the time with it and actually get some problems right is nothing short of miraculous.

Anyway, it made me think that it has been some time since I have had to use my brain like that, at least in an academic sort of way.  It also, despite the still ever-present frustration surrounding it, felt good.   I know.  Obviously, I have lost it.  Using my mind in an academic, critical thinking sort of way surrounding math actually felt good?  Can someone check to see if hell has frozen over?

Here's the other realization.  It turns out my mother, my teachers, and all of the studies that have probably been done about this very subject were, gasp, right!  Math does help develop critical thinking skills.  In some cases (mine) it also helps develop headaches and stress (interestingly enough that part was left out but I digress).  It may have taken me 20+ years to realize this but I think that is true of quite a few things you are told/taught when you are younger and think you know everything.

Mom?  Ms. Alexander?  Mr. O'Connor?  Ms. Drohan?  Are you reading this?

The Three C's

When something is so frustrating it takes just the mere mention of it to get your blood to the boiling point, how exactly do you calm down enough to stay sensible?  I often thank God for my calm, cool and collected nature but even I get to a point where I just want to hit things.  Hard.  I guess that is where the three c's come in...I feel like hitting things but I don't actually do it.  Meditative music, getting outdoors, and every once in a while a good cry does the trick.  Sometimes it is just facing the problem head in in an "I am woman hear me roar" kind of way.  Admittedly, though this is probably not therapeutic in the healing sense, sometimes, it is just ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away on it's own.   It never usually does.

Donuts?

I have symbolic dreams all the time and I love to look up their meaning.  Most of the time the symbol in the dream is glaringly obvious...sometimes it is something that doesn't seem to belong or is out of place, sometimes is it just such a strange thing to dream about, and sometimes whatever symbol it is flows with the dream perfectly and is a key piece in the dream.  I have never once had a dream in which the symbol was not relevant in some way to my waking life.  

Last night, I had a dream that otherwise was not significant but quickly flashed to a table with an assortment of donuts on it.  I knew the donuts were a symbol, and I was right.   It still surprises me, though it happens all of the time when a dream matches up perfectly with my waking life. 

"To see a doughnut in your dream represents the Self. It suggests that you may be feeling lost and still trying to find yourself and your purpose in life. Alternatively, it refers to growth, development and nurturing. You are not yet completely whole."

Scheduling Sanity

Sometimes, I wonder how it is all supposed to fit in while still trying to eat dinner at a normal hour and getting Julia to bed by 8:30 or so.  I don't think my kids are over scheduled.  Emily has work and Girl Scouts (STUCO when her schedule allows which is not often), Katie has Girl Scouts and basketball, and Julia has dance and Girl Scouts (basketball is not looking like something she will be sticking with but that remains to be seen).

I just went through the February calendar to "plug in" swimming with Julia where we could fit it in.  On the weeks that Ryun works the late shift it will be all but impossible.  Even on the weeks where he is early the only time would be right after school (which is when I usually start cooking) and even then we can't go Tuesdays or Wednesdays.  I have my meetings on Tuesday and she has dance on Wednesday which means she does homework right after school because she doesn't get home until just after 8.   Let's not even talk about the amount of homework she gets.  She has Spelling and/or ELA as well as Math nightly.  In addition she has to read for 25 minutes then answer a question in her reading journal AND spend 15-20 minutes practicing multiplication and division.  Really? This is third grade (thank you Common Core and standardized testing).

Emily would also like to use the Y but that will be on weekends only because of her work schedule.  She doesn't get home until 6PM or so.  Starting next week with the new semester starting at MHS she will have three classes (ELA, History and Spanish) in which she will have homework.  She had an "easy semester" for the first half of the year which involved little to no homework.  Basically, she will be coming home, eating dinner and doing homework.   If she has any free time after that, it will be too late in the evening to visit the Y.  Katie, for the most part, should be able to join Julia and I when we go.

I have all but given up on the idea of the five of us sitting down and eating together during the week.  The weekend is much easier in that respect but otherwise it would take an act of God, or us sitting down at 9PM on some nights which is past Julia's bedtime and pretty close to Ryun's, especially if he is working early (4:30AM wake up).  Nevermind eating together...if I am going to the Y after school, and shuffling kids to and fro, when the heck am I going to cook it?  I am a big fan of the crock pot but even that gets old sometimes.

So how on earth do people do this?  Especially single parents who also work (I am in awe of you by the way).  Being at home during the day is nice in some respects but it really has little to no benefit on the other end of the day when all of the craziness starts.  I don't even know how it will all come together when I do get a job, unless my some miracle I find one that is part time, flexible and/or work from home.

What tips and tricks do you have for managing it all?

Changes On the Horizon

Yesterday, I had a follow up appointment with my primary care physician.  Not surprisingly, my blood pressure over the past five months had been through the roof.  Seriously...one reading was so high I wondered how I was still alive.  Anyway, with the help of one medication, a much more peaceful frame of mind, and my life becoming much less worrisome, my blood pressure appears to be back to normal. 

Due to current circumstances I have an immense amount of time on my hands now.  For the past month, the alone time has been fine...and I have been keeping myself busy doing things I enjoy...reading, scrapping, crafting, and photography.  I have every intention of keeping up with those things but the truth is...I need to get out and "rejoin" civilization.  It's not like I have been a hermit but for someone who is used to being out and busy everyday, this being at home thing is just weird.  Anyway, I have been coming up with ideas to get me out of the house.  After my doctor's appointment yesterday, the most obvious place I should be visiting is the gym.  Honestly, besides complete lack of motivation and no desire to go, I have no excuse anymore...or at least not the excuse of not having time.  Coincidently, when I took Julia to the orthopedic surgeon, he recommended that she swim a few times a week to build her muscle tone and "tighten things up." 

So we are joining the Y in Wareham.  Middleboro would be more convenient but the pool is nicer in Wareham and there are other reasons I can't go the location right down the street...at least not yet.  I am hoping that the candid discussion I had with the doctor yesterday, combined with the need for Julia to go will be just enough motivation to tip the scales in my favor, so to speak.