I am sick tired cranky and not in the mood!

"Mama, I'm sick." "Mama, I'm tired." "Mama, "I'm cranky." "Mama, I'm not in the mood." These very words were spoken by my beautiful 2 year old daughter within the past 2 days.The funny part is, she legitimately was sick, tired, cranky, and "not in the mood." So, she really meant it. While I am continually amazed by how well she is doing talking, the 4 above mentioned phrases have made for a rather stressful couple of days.

She threw up all over the place, careful not to exclude my brand new couch covers or even, her loving, and thankfully not weak of stomach mother. I know that she can't help it and really, I felt bad for her but, I can't wait until she gets to the point of aiming for the toilet, or trash, or anywhere expect for, well, except for me. Because, I love my kids more than life itself, but being puked on, even by my children is just about the most disgusting thing imaginable.

Aside from all of that, it has been a rather hectic week in itself. I have been busily getting organized for Emily's preschool picnic, her graduation, and her birthday this Saturday. I have been a baking extraordinaire this week. So far, I have made cupcakes, banana bread and cookies, all of which I might add, came out delicious.

Anyway, that's all that new in the Ellis house today. Until next time...

9:09 a.m. - 2002-05-30

Pain, fear, and every emotion inbetween

So, I finally figured out what it is that is behind my concerns about Emily and the whole growing up thing. It's fear. Fear of what you might ask? Fear of well, just the world in general. It has suddenly occured to me that because she will be in school and involved with many different people, that Ryun and I (and other close family and friends) will not be her only role models or influences. She will be exposed to other children, teachers, and parents on a daily basis. And, there is just something about that that scares me a bit. I of course am not saying that I want to protect her from these experiences. I am however saying that I hope as parents, family members, and friends, we have all given her a good moral background,one which she can use as a guide through life and one in which she will make positive decisions and choices for herself and others. I hope that I particularly have done a "good job" with her and shown her how important it is to realize that people are different, have different ideas and ways of doing things, and that it is not ok to judge people based on, well, based on anything I guess. I hope I have done my part showing her to be compassionate, thoughtful, and considerate of others and I hope that no matter what experiences she encounters, she remembers that what is really important in this world is what you give, not what you have. She is only going to kindergarten and maybe this all seems to in depth but I am talking long term here. This really is just the beginning of the next "life stage" if you will. The next 12-13 years will help shape the rest of her life and the person she will become.

"In this world, it is not what we take up, but what we give up that makes us rich."

I don't doubt myself as a parent. I know I am a good mother and that I have done the best that I can by my children. I don't doubt myself as a person either. I am a good person. I am generous, kind, and considerate to myself and others and I know that my children will learn partly from the example I set, as well as their own thoughts and ideas about things. The fear I have is of the "other" people in this world. Its just hard to give up such an important role in her life...well not give up but allow others in. A little selfish of me I guess.

I don't think the world is such a terrible place. I just know that there are terrible things and basically, part of me wishes I could prevent my children from experiencing pain in any way. Notice I said part of me. I think all experiences can teach something, even painful ones. Some painful situations can teach you just how lucky you are to have what you do, others can teach you how sometimes, depsite your best efforts, things don't always work out. I think that no matter how uncomfortable it may be, it is just as important to feel pain and anger as it is to feel joy and happiness. It's just that I know how pain and anger feel, and a tiny little part of me wishes my children never had to know that feeling.

"If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would decline, fo life would no longer teach me anything."

I dont wanna grow up

Emily graduates from preschool on May 31. She is going to kindergarten next year. She has learned how to tie her own shoes. She is riding without training wheels, and she has moved from the "little kid" wall at Kid's Footlocker to the "big kid" wall.

As kids grow, they go through different stages of development, physically and emotionally. Usually, it's a gradual thing...first they roll over, a couple of months later they sit up, then a couple of months later they crawl. You get the point...it is spread out over the course of time. It makes it easier if you will to adjust to your "baby" growing up. It's a gradual thing like I said. This whole preschool to kindergarten thing is so not. What the hell? I mean how fair is that? Poor mommies around the world have all of these "life changes" in their children to accept all at once. Not to mention what the kids themselves go through. I am fortunate because Emily is the most enthusiastic and adaptable child I know. She is having an easy time with all of this thankfully. Not that I am completely freaking or whatever but I am just a bit crazy about it all. Which you may have noticed since I talk about it so frequently. But anyway, I just can't help it. I am happy and proud of her and I know that she has what it takes to succeed, but it is just hard to realize how quickly time passes...and how old I am getting! ;)

WARNING: read at your own risk

So, as you may have noticed, I was a little pissed off when writing my last entry, maybe even a little rude too. Oh well, what can I say? I am a stubborn, red-headed Irish woman who, this week happens to have PMS. So there you have it...my excuse to be a bitch! Maybe no one else will buy that, but hey it works for me.

So, its official. I am a Borders junkie. I am serious. It is quite possible that I could shop only at this store for the rest of my life and still die a happy woman. If I worked there, I would never get paid.

Emily told my sister that if she kept crying, she would get what she wants. Can you believe that? Until my sister heard Emily say that, she was a "pushover." Not anymore needless to say. Emily is too smart. She understands concepts that are (or should be anyway) way above her level. I she got that from her stunningly brilliant mother. I just know.

I was taking laundry out of the dryer today and I gave Katherine her "night-night." That would be her infamous security blanket just in case you were wondering. Anyway, when I gave it to her she said and I quote, "Thank you. Thank you VERY MUCH." She has never said that before...the "very much" part I mean. It was cute.

Speaking of the "night-night" who thinks I should take it away? She is 2 1/2. Is it time to take it away or should I just let her decide on her own when she is done with it? I think that I should wait until she decides on her own. The only reason I ask is because certain people who shall remain nameless think I should take it way. Besides, she looks so damn cute holding her "night-night" right up by her cheek while she sucks her thumb. Anyway, we will call this an informal poll. To take the night night or not? You decide. Oh yeah and be sure to let me know.

I graduated from Carver High School nine years ago. Hell, I am getting old. Not as old as my loving husband though, who will have graduated 10 years ago this coming June. Now, he is old and according to Emily, the strongest person in the world. Random, I know.

Did anyone watch ER on Thursday? I cried. Not just tears in my eyes but full-fledged crying, with sobbing to boot. I cried like Dr. Greene was someone I knew personally. He died and it was heart-wrenching.

Can't Smile Without You

Yeah, I know, I am a slacker. I haven't updated in awhile. Well, here I am, so don't fret. Your withdrawal symptoms should be subsiding now.

I just bought a cd collection called, " The Greatest Hits Of The 80's" and let me just tell you it rocks. I also bought "Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits." Please, just don't even ask. Lets just say that my musical tastes vary.

I keep having dreams that my teeth are falling out, rather falling out and shattering into pieces. Sometimes my gums are bleeding afterward, and sometimes I just dream that I have a loose tooth. Don't laugh. This is serious! Here is what Dream-Land about the meaning behind this..."Teeth represent the fidelity to self, the degree to which we support our decisions, respect our inner choices and remain true to what we love. Having your teeth harmed or removed reflects a compromise or decision which involved a deep and highly personal cost. False, loose or crumbling teeth reflect stresses, problems and difficulties at work. For a woman, to dream of a tooth loss and severe gum bleeding denotes that she is involved into an abusive relationship. Seeing healthy white teeth in the dream indicates that you have much personal freedom."

Yikes! Now that can not be good. I generally don't take dreams too seriously but I do to an extent believe that some dreams can reflect reality, especially recurring ones. At first I thought it meant that I wasn't taking good care of my teeth which, of course is absurd seeing as how that is one of the very few things I am methodical about. Still, until I read this I have practically been brushing my teeth until my gums bled. Scary shit though huh?

Moving on...here are the results of an email quiz I got today. Generally, I find these to be silly and a waste of time but this one was rather interesting, so here goes.

1. What would you consider to be the happiest moment of your life? I have two. One was at 5:48PM on June 1, 1997 (Emily's birth date and time) and at 10:47am on November 25, 1999 (Katherine's birth date and time).

2. What would you consider to be the saddest time in your life? When my grandmother died.

3. If you could back in time and change one decision you made would you and what decision would you change? I wouldn't. I can honestly say I have no regrets. Every decision or choice I have made has helped shape the person I am today...all of the good and the bad. Every experience has been an opportunity to learn. "If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would decline, for life would no longer teach me anything."

4. What would you describe as the worst physical pain you have ever experienced? Now, that's a no-brainer. I have had two children all natural, with no drugs. Katherine's labor was worse, much more intense and painful. I even cried and (gasp) swore at Ryun. Next in line would be the birth of Emily. I would do it again without giving it a second thought. Despite the mind-numbing, excruciating pain of childbirth, there simply is nothing as amazing or as magical. Nothing at all. Then, right up there with childbirth would be when I was having gallbladder attacks. That hurt like a bitch. Take like the worst indigestion you have ever experienced and multiply by...I don't know, lets say a million. Then take that and multiply by another million...well, you get the point. It hurts, a lot.

5. Is there a cause you feel so strongly for that you would die for it? The only thing, or, I guess I should say people I would die for would be my children. Basically, I would die the most horrifyingly painful death imaginable to protect and/or defend them. Other than that, causes I feel strongly about would be equal rights for all human beings no matter race, gender, religion etc., and world peace. Seriously, as silly as that may sound, I really think the world would be a happier place if we were all given equal opportunity and remained peaceful. Why can't we all just get along?

6. What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? Well, hello. I guess I would want them to say that I was a smart, loving, caring, considerate, senstive, beautiful, loyal, and dedicated person. Of course, half of that would be a lie but it sure as hell sounded good didn't it? ;)

7. Your definition of love. Love is most definitely indefinable, at least not without getting into "psycho-babble." I can tell you it is something you feel from head to toe, to the very depths of your soul, and if you are lucky enough to find it, you should never, ever let it go. Hey that ryhmes...how cute.

8. Is there anyone or anything in this world that you truly, with every fiber of your being, hate? Hate is a rather strong word. There are a lot of things and/or people that I can say I dislike, but no one or nothing that I actually have an all-consuming hate for.

9. How would you describe your self to other people? I would say that I am a very patient, kind, loyal and sensitive person. I would also say that I am stubborn, mean, disloyal and insensitive.

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your health, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it any other way"

10. How do you think people perceive you? I think people generally see me as a good person, with a good sense of values and ideals. Somtimes, I think people view me as, well an angel, which in all honesty can be true, but it just irks me sometimes. I kind of like that whole "bad girl" image rather than the "sugar sweet" "wholesome" one. Oh well...what can you do?

Oh yeah, and for anyone who didn't catch the significance of this entry's title, it is the title of Barry Manilow song. Get it? Can't Smile Without You...teeth falling out etc? God, I am just so creative. I know you were thinking that. I know.

1

Life Insurance...who the hell needs it anyway?

Adelphia did not pay my life insurance premium.. Yes, you did read that right. I did just say that the multi-million dollar company I work for did not pay my life insurance premium. This was one the corporate level...and here I was thinking that it was just the regional office in which I work that was screwed up. Nope, this is company-wide. Great. Just great.

I am signing Emily up for Girl Scouts on Wednesday night. She is going to be a daisy scout...how cute is that?!?!

John and Suzanne took Emily to see the movie "Ice Age". Emily cried at the end because it was so happy. I had no idea a five year old child was capable of such a range and depth of emotion. She never ceases to amaze me.

Katie turned around rather quickly today and lost her footing. She fell and hit her eye on the corner of the coffee table. I was practically crying because it looked so painful. Not her though...she's a trooper. She stopped as soon as I picked her up. Today she said "I love it" when I asked her how her dinner was. It is so funny to hear her talking in complete sentences...she still seems so little.

I am reading Michael J. Fox's new book called, "Lucky Man". So far so good. He has really had a rather interesting life and his attitude about Parkinson's is just amazing. He is truly inspiring.

Ryun and I are going to go see Star Wars Episode II when it comes out. We are both Star Wars junkies, him especially. He even oens an unopened collectors edition Trilogy pack Star Wars, Empire, and Jedi. Probably will be quite valuable at some point.

Ok so this entry has been kind of boring and I apologize. As always, the choice to read it is yours however, let it be known that if you have gotten this far, I commend you. This is my own writing and even I am bored with this entry.

its almost three in the morning...

This entry is so random and does not flow together at all. Please accept my apologies. It is almost three o'clock in the moring here and I am just a bit tired. So, you will just have to deal or don't read it. Your choice.

The summer like weather is coming to a dramatic end here in New England. It may actually snow tonight in Massachusetts. It was 90 degrees last week. Go figure.

On April 4, I turned 26 1/2. It's funny when you are a kid how that "1/2" is so important. God forbid you just be 8 years old. Now that I am officially feeling old (I even purchased alcohol without being carded) I am just going to forget that whole 1/2 year thing. I am done with it. Who the hell needs to know about that extra 1/2? No one. So there.

Just so you know, I will still mention the 1/2 when I am talking about my height. Five feet, four and a 1/2 inches. I don't know why, but that 1/2 inch is of great importance to me. So don't even attempt to take it away. The consequences could be dire.

April 11 marked my six year anniversary of working for Adelphia. And, contrary to popular belief, I am still, for the most part sane.

I am in such an odd mood. I really have nothing to write about but I wanted to write so I am just babbling about whatever comes to mind.

My new computer at work is black. Looks very snazzy if I do say so myself. I think they gave me a new one to shut me the hell up. I voice my opinion a lot around here and, I might add, rightfully so. Unfortunately for them anyway, this tactic will not work. I 'll keep the computer and still bitch.

May 24 is my four year wedding anniversary. Yes, Emily is going to be five. So I had a kid out of the sacred bonds of marriage. Sue me. Truth be told, I wouldn't change a single thing about the way my life unfolded between 1996-1998. Not a single thing.

I think I am going to be the ultimate lazy ass tomorrow and not even get out of my pajamas. I love pajamas and wish I could wear them all day, everyday. Tomorrow is a good excuse to do that though, because it is Monday and when my dual alarm clocks go of at 7 am (alarm clocks known to the general public as Emily and Katherine) I will have only had about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. There is that 1/2 again. Damn, its everywhere. Anyway, no clothes tomorrow, I mean pajamas of course but no "regular" clothes. Get your mind out of the gutter. You thought I meant no clothes at all, didn't you? I know you did so don't even bother trying to deny it.

Ok so it is just about time to go home! Thank God. Sweet dreams diaryland...