Do you ever wonder, like really wonder how much your children are going to remember about what kind of a parent you were to them as a child? As I grow older, my memory of specific incidents fades. The one lasting memory is that no matter what my parents did, and no matter how I perceived their actions at the time (whether I was angry, happy, sad, or indifferent), I always felt loved and secure.
I find myself thinking more and more about this lately, especially when I lose my cool with Emily. I wonder if she will remember "Mommy the crazy lady" or"Mommy the person, who before she lost her cool was calm and patient and reassuring." I wonder if she will remember any of it at all. I hope that if she remembers anything, it is that feeling of love and security, that I always hope and pray outshines the "crazy Mommy" bit. One thing that I think will help make this feeling last, assuming she feels it at all, is the fact that I always apologize. I apologize not for getting mad, but for overreacting. I don't want her to think that overreacting is the right way to express anger or frustration. Truth be told, I don't overreact all that often any way and if I really think about it, it seems to me that the calm and patient Mommy is present a lot more than crazy Mommy.
It's hard though isn't it? There really is no way of knowing how what we do know as parents will effect them in the future. Everyone has a different interpretation(what I say to Katherine my be taken one way by her, and a completely different way by Emily and vice versa). I guess, in the end, all we can do is try our best, and hope that it is good enough.
I have been thinking a lot about exactly the same thing! We end up yelling a lot, and I have trouble dealing with the idea that there has to be a calmer way to react. Which might actually BE better, since the crazy parent or yelling thing doesn't seem to get through most of the time. Sadie is to an age to start remembering things, which is why I started being concerned. I've seen Sadie have a somewhat frightened "mom is crazy" look once. I'm sure I've caused a "dad is crazy" (or scary) reaction too.
ReplyDeleteI hope they do mainly remember the bulk of it that's positive.
Funny, my impression from childhood doesn't really go either way. I was somewhat afraid of my father at the same time I adored him. I don't remember my mother being a yeller or giving an impression of crazy until I was somewhat older, but the impression of crazy probably won out slightly. I tend to remember specific incidents, like the time when I first remember thinking she was absolutely nuts. We had always kept mustard in the fridge. I went looking for it one day. She pointed out that it was in the cabinet, and insisted that we had ALWAYS kept it in the cabinet, like *I* was nuts.
I have early memories and feelings of security and comfort, but they conflict more heavily than I'd like with the feelings of fear, insecurity, betrayal, and "this woman is crazy" that were there too. And then there's the later "these people are pretty cool" and adult understanding to balance it back.
So yeah, I've been worrying and thinking about the same thing, because it strikes me as so easy to have them grow up remembering the crazy or the sad disproportionately.
My mother and I went through soooo much sh*t when I was growing up. From the age of 12 on, we were always at each other's throats. This went on until I was 19 or so. Today, I absolutely love my mom. I know that she was trying her best to raise me to be a good, loving, strong person. I definitley remember the bad stuff, but the good memories far outweigh the bad. We both can look back on that period and admit that we both made mistakes and were wrong. We actually laugh about it now. So, my point is that I definitley know she will remember the "good mom". The one who was really involved in everything, who did fun and cool things with her, who loved her even though she was difficult.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say this too...being the oldest SUCKS!! My younger brother and sister had it soooo much easier than I did. You start to relax a little after you go through everything with the first one. I kow my mother did! Lucky brats...
Jen