Good Vibrations

Every night before I fall asleep, I pray.  Much of the time it is a very simple prayer that goes something like, "Thank you.  I welcome you in to my life, please show me the way."  Once in a while it is more elaborate and sometimes, it is more like a jumbled mess of thoughts and not really like a prayer at all.   About a week ago I had prayed the simple, "Thank you..." prayer and the strangest thing happened.  For about thirty seconds I felt this weird, yet positive "vibration" through my whole body.  It was more like a pulsing of energy than a vibration and it was like nothing I had ever felt before.  In the short time span of maybe ten seconds I had two immediate thoughts.  The first was that we were having an earthquake, followed quickly by the thought that I was experiencing some sort of medical emergency.  However,  when I shut my mind off and just let myself experience the feeling, it  was not one of fear or pain...it's was this overwhelming feeling of goodness and positivity.  How did I feel about this?  Obviously I asked God/the universe/my higher power to come into my life and someone or something took that opportunity to make their presence known in a very physical way.  What other explanation could there be?

I have always felt very connected in a spiritual way; more so in recent years than ever before.  I don't always know or interpret it as a connection to God but more of a connection with the universe or some other realm; a higher power for sure that just doesn't always have a clear definition. I don't know how to explain it really but what I know for sure is this: when I take the time to pray, meditate or focus my energy, whatever I am hoping, wishing or asking for usually comes to be in one way or another.  Sometimes this fact freaks me out a little.   Honestly the whole possibility of a higher power freaks me out a little.

My skepticism is always put in to question when I jump in full force praying, meditating and focusing and the answers I am looking for present.   In those moments I am reassured and convinced that there is someone or something out there looking out for me, listening to me and working in my favor to guide me through this thing called life.  The energy pulsing through my body that night only helped reinforce this belief.  And, even in the face of recent events personally and in the world as a whole, since that night I have had this overwhelming sense of peace, a newfound confidence and a general feeling that everything will be alright.

I was hesitant about posting this...because even though it was my own experience, even to me it sounds a bit "out there."  But this year is all about stepping out of my comfort zone and even though there might be a few eye rolls or questions regarding my experience or beliefs, I am done worrying about what other people's interpretations of me might be.  I know me, my higher power knows me and I am perfectly comfortable with that.

Reflections on Turning 40

I don't know why I expected there to be some big revelation...like I would suddenly realize what my purpose here on earth is, or I would have some other big "a-ha" moment and bam, my life as I know it would be drastically different.  In reality, one full month in to my fortieth year, I don't really feel all that different than I did in my 39th year.  I think my big revelations came a couple of years ago, making all of that "life begins at 40" stuff seem less intense.  There have been many a-ha moments, lessons learned and experiences along the way.  Some have been exhilarating, some painful, and some just were.  One thing is clear, I still feel as though I have yet to "arrive."  Maybe this will be the year I figure it all out...maybe it won't.  Either way is fine with me.  

"Each one of us has our own evolution of life, and each one of us goes through different tests which are unique and challenging. But certain things are common. And we do learn things from each other's experience. On a spiritual journey, we all have the same destination." ~A.R. Rahman~

Politics with Julia

It probably doesn't come as a surprise that the kids and I have a lot of political discussions.  The most recent one was a perfect example of how literal Julia really is.

Katie and I were discussing how terrible it would be for this country if Donald Trump was elected.  It started off as a real discussion about real issues but then Katie jokingly said, "The most awful thing would be if he enacted a law that said we must all wear our hair like he does."  We laughed...and went on with the conversation.

Fast forward to a few days later when Julia comes into my office and says to me, "Mom, if Donald Trump is elected, can we please move to England?"  When I asked her why she didn't like the idea of Trump being president, she said, "Because of the hair thing.  He has awful hair!  If he makes that stupid rule we will need to leave immediately."  She was dead serious.  She thought the rule could become reality despite it being a ridiculous and, she completely missed the "social que" (laughter indicating the humor).

I mean honestly, as long as she is on board with Trump as President being a bad idea, the reasoning really doesn't matter, right?  And let's face it...his hair is awful!

Reasons Unknown

It is a strange thing when you see something that reminds you of someone and you go to call them, only to remember that they haven't been a part of your life for two years.  There have been a lot of changes in my life over this time; most of them for the better. For some reason though, looking back, this person not being a part of my life still hurts.  It was their choice to leave.  While I made some decisions that were absolutely a contributing factor in their choice, in the end the simple fact that they left during one of the most tumultuous, difficult and trying times of my life (no matter that I brought it on myself) says a lot about how true a friend they really were to begin with.

 I truly believe that God, the universe, and "nature" really have plan that defies understanding sometimes, though that lack of understanding may be hard to accept, I have to believe that there is a reason for everything, even if it isn't clear at the time.  For some reason, unbeknownst to be, this person was not meant to be with me.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.

RIP Dr. Dyer

The first book I read of  Dr. Wayne Dyer's was "I Can See Clearly Now." Perhaps my favorite quote from the book is this:  "I’ve spoken often of the metaphor of the wake of a boat— that the wake is nothing more than the trail that is left behind, and it has no power in the present. It does not and cannot drive the boat. It is a trail that has no influence on the boat whatsoever."  It was early on in the book and was the first time of many times since then that I felt as if Dr. Dyer was speaking directly to me.

  One of the best gifts I got from reading Dr. Dyer's books was the ability his words had to "make me see." I don't know how to explain it really.  He spoke to me on many levels, in many ways.  I have had countless "aha" moments while reading his books or watching his tv specials.  His perspective, outlook, and attitude have meant so much to me over the past couple of years and I truly believe were a catalyst for my journey from the darkness in to the light.  While it seems weird to be this affected by the passing of someone I have never met, his influence on me has been immeasurable.  He may be physically gone but his teachings, spirit, and wisdom will continue to change the world through the legacy he left behind.

To The Critic Inside My Head

Shut up!  Just shut up!  I don't need you and your damn negativity taking up space in my head.  I have overcome too much to let you get in my way.  There is no room for you in my life.  None.  Whatsoever.  So get the hell out.  And stay out.  You are not welcome here.

Head Games

I wish I didn't put so much stock in my dreams but as silly as this may sound to some, it is very rare (like almost non-existent) that I have a dream that doesn't have some underlying meaning.  My dreams almost always have very specific symbols in them...usually animals.  

Over the past few years in particular, I have grown quite good at interpreting meanings, without the aid of  book or website.  I am able to make pretty decent connections between my dreams and real life, and how they may relate.  Usually, even if in some round about way, they do.

So I am trying not to be too concerned about a couple of recent dreams involving my head.  The first one was about a bug biting my head that would not let go.  I think it was a tick but that was not 100% clear.  It didn't hurt; it was more of a nuisance.  No matter what I tried, or whose help I employed, we could not get it off of  my head.  When I woke up, the immediate thought I had was that something had been trying to "infiltrate" my head to...well, to take over.  It was unsettling to say the least. 

The second dream involved me putting an exorbitant amount of cover up (makeup) on my face...before going to bed at night.  In my dream, I was getting ready and after putting the cover up on I was thinking to myself it was silly to put it on before bed. However, when I thought it would make sense to wash it off, I decided against it because the results of doing so could be bad, very bad.  The obvious interpretation upon waking was that I was trying to hide or cover something up about myself.  Also very unsettling.

Needless to say, I will be paying a bit closer attention in my waking life to my feelings, thoughts and any notion of being "infiltrated" or over-powered.  And is it weird that I totally want to call my PCP (which I need to do anyway to schedule a physical...UGH) and ask for an MRI of my head?  Seriously.