Mid-Life

One thing I have discovered since turning forty in October is that I think more.  What I mean to say is that I think deeper about...things.   Basically, I am no longer satisfied with leaving the big questions unanswered.  

Some of these big questions...what do I want to be when I grow up?  What mental blocks are preventing me from being smarter about my health and making better choices?  How can I overcome them?  Why do I spend so much time thinking and not enough time acting?  What is this under the surface, always present, yet undefined "thing" that I know I am destined to do, even though I don't know what "it" is yet?  Why is mental and physical self care such a difficult thing for me?  Why does the thought of my life (if all goes well) being halfway over (give or take) scare the hell out of me (not death but that the past 40 years have flown and the next 40(ish) will too and will that even be enough time to figure my purpose on this planet out)?

 For the past ten or so these questions have been there.  For the past few, I have been thinking about them more often than not.  Thinking is good,  Acting is better. No matter what I do, I can't seem to stick with it for more than a few days when it comes to addressing any one of these questions. 

I have come to the conclusion that I am going to need help on the way to my "a ha" moment or moments.   I just can't do this by myself.  I am not sure exactly what this all means...except that I am going back to counseling to to start.  I have been in and out of counseling many times.  The longest period of time I have gone is for two years which was helpful in resolving a lot of "outside" issues not directly related to any of the questions above.  I talked about issues with the kids, major life events and occasional medical issues but have never really gotten deep in to "me."  

I feel like I have an incredible ability to go deep, really look at various situations and how they can work out or not. I can easily talk myself in to or out of anything after weighing the options.  I have developed a keen ability to calm myself down when anxiety creeps in by employing things I know will work; getting outside, deep breathing, listening to meditative music etc.  The place where I falter is taking my thoughts from dream to reality, or at least bringing them to reality and sticking with it.  I can do anything for short bursts of time but to really pursue and persevere, I need to make lifelong lasing changes/decisions that work for the long term.  I have come to realize that doing so is going to require a lot of outside of myself help and influence.  Counseling seems like the next logical step. 

Why am I putting this out there in to the world?  Because something I have discovered over the past few years is my belief in being open and honest with the "universe",   For me, it is like giving it to the world...the universe...God...will help bring some resolutions, ideas, practices to light.   It is also in line with my theme for the year of stepping out of my comfort zone.  It's never easy to admit I can't handle it all  even to myself...let alone the world...or at least anyone who reads my blog.  

Cross posted at http://zoningout16.blogspot.com/

Glenda

The other night I had a dream that we had to bring Katie to the ER because of a cut on her hand that was infected and not healing.  For some reason, Ryun and Julia came along.  While we were there, we ran in to the nurse who in "real life" was the nurse we had for all three kids when when they were born.  Ryun and I referred to her as "robo nurse" because though she was very kind and warm, she was also very to the point, and acted somewhat like a robot doing every thing she needed to do.  I loved her and she was the perfect nurse to get me to "attend to the task at hand."  Her name was Glenda.

In the dream she had switched from working with mothers and babies to the ER.  Before she walked in to the room, the air was very tense and I was wondering if they were going to be able to fix Katie's hand.  In the dream, I kept looking at the hand off and on consistently, with a constant stream of negative thoughts about what was about to happen and would could happen if the doctors could not help her,  I remember waking up after the dream wondering why I was so worked up about about her hand,  It was a tiny scratch with a slightly red tinge around it which in reality would never be something I would bring Katie to the ER for.  When Glenda walked in, before she even spoke, this immediate sense of peace, and "everything will be ok" calm came over me.  As she took a look at her hand, and in her matter of fact way assured us she would be fine, the negative thoughts stopped and I felt like everything would be good and Katie would be alright.  We then officially introduced Katie and Julia to her as two kids she had helped bring in to the world and had the typical, "Wow, I can't believe how grown up they have gotten" conversation that always seems to come up when someone has not seen the kids in years (in her case since a day or two after they were born).   The dream ended at that point.

The strongest thing that stood out to me in this dream was the big deal I was making about Katie's hand, which was really nothing more than a scratch.  The feeling of anxiety and stress was intense.  In reality, this past couple of years have not been the easiest for Katie, and by extension, me...nothing earth shattering or life changing...just every day things perhaps magnified by strong emotions from both of us.  Somehow I feel like the small cut on her hand which was not worthy of such an intense reaction from myself was a symbol to put me back in check...not make a mountain out of a molehill so to speak.  The fact that it was Katie's hand was even more telling...to me it symbolized that she may need a little "helping hand" right now, but that she will "heal and be ok."

As for Glenda's part in all of this (someone who I have not thought of in years) the only thing I can come up with is that the name Glenda means fair, good and holy,  Maybe she was representing an angelic, heavenly type figure who was there to reassure.  Maybe it was her real life connection with Katie's start in life showing us that she has "made it through" everything else along the way up to this point, and we will make it through this too.

I love when my dreams reflect my waking life and provide guidance for how to move forward.

The Next 24

It was a beautiful morning for a walk around the neighborhood today.  As I walked, I was flooded with memories of my childhood growing up here.  It's funny how  the "family name" stays the same in my mind, despite how many owners have come and gone since I lived here as a child.  Once the "______ " family's house, always their house I guess, at least in reference.

Anyway, taking a walk, along with providing the opportunity to reminisce, also gave me the chance to think, uninterrupted by anything.  My thoughts wandered to a lot of places but ended with reason I went for a walk to begin with...self care. This is an area in which I have struggled all of my adult life and has been making more regular appearances in my thought pattern than ever before.  I don't know if it is turning forty, wanting to feel better, wanting to look better, being generally scared of dying without really fulfilling my purpose here on earth or combination of all of the above.

Today, I was thinking about why this is so hard for me...and what mental blocks I have in place that are most of the time preventing me from reaching my full potential.  I came to the realization that I am putting too much pressure on myself, and in turn becoming overwhelmed and not following through with anything. I have higher expectations of myself than are realistic at least for me.  I know myself and the fact is that though I work well under pressure when someone else is expecting something of or from me, when it comes to my own expectations of myself, I need to, well, calm down.   I am not going to  quit sugar, exercise daily, drink my required water, eat healthy,  strength train etc. etc. etc.... at least not all at once.  Some people can do this...I am not one of them.

How do I function best?  When I take one thing on at a time, give it my full attention, master it, and take on something else.  For the past few years, I have been trying to live in the now...not spending too much time in the future or the past; concentrating on what I can do with the 24 hours in front of me.  For some reason I have not really applied this to self care.  I am always thinking I need to do one million things at once and this is just not true.  If I take one step at a time, slowly picking things up along the way, I will be in a much better frame of mind to succeed, instead of constantly feeling like a failure when I do or don't do something that gets in the way of me being healthy.

So...that is what I am going to do...take on this task one day at a time...documenting my successes and failures along  the way.

Today's steps: I took a mile and half walk around my neighborhood.  I chose walnuts for a snack.  I drank a protein shake for breakfast.  I wrote this blog entry.  Hey...being open and honest about my thoughts in a public forum definitely counts in my book.

Reminders to Set Up Reminders

I need to set reminders for every darn thing in my life. I mean obviously for appointments and things like that but also for the everyday. Like, "Hey don't forget to do the laundry today" and "Remember to pray" and "Call this person or place you have meaning to call forever" and "Oh yeah, make sure you take out the chicken to thaw so you can cook dinner tonight" and so on and so on and so on. It is kind of pathetic really. I need reminders to set up the reminders. Does anyone else have this problem? What creative solutions do you have to keep your life and schedule organized?

Good Vibrations

Every night before I fall asleep, I pray.  Much of the time it is a very simple prayer that goes something like, "Thank you.  I welcome you in to my life, please show me the way."  Once in a while it is more elaborate and sometimes, it is more like a jumbled mess of thoughts and not really like a prayer at all.   About a week ago I had prayed the simple, "Thank you..." prayer and the strangest thing happened.  For about thirty seconds I felt this weird, yet positive "vibration" through my whole body.  It was more like a pulsing of energy than a vibration and it was like nothing I had ever felt before.  In the short time span of maybe ten seconds I had two immediate thoughts.  The first was that we were having an earthquake, followed quickly by the thought that I was experiencing some sort of medical emergency.  However,  when I shut my mind off and just let myself experience the feeling, it  was not one of fear or pain...it's was this overwhelming feeling of goodness and positivity.  How did I feel about this?  Obviously I asked God/the universe/my higher power to come into my life and someone or something took that opportunity to make their presence known in a very physical way.  What other explanation could there be?

I have always felt very connected in a spiritual way; more so in recent years than ever before.  I don't always know or interpret it as a connection to God but more of a connection with the universe or some other realm; a higher power for sure that just doesn't always have a clear definition. I don't know how to explain it really but what I know for sure is this: when I take the time to pray, meditate or focus my energy, whatever I am hoping, wishing or asking for usually comes to be in one way or another.  Sometimes this fact freaks me out a little.   Honestly the whole possibility of a higher power freaks me out a little.

My skepticism is always put in to question when I jump in full force praying, meditating and focusing and the answers I am looking for present.   In those moments I am reassured and convinced that there is someone or something out there looking out for me, listening to me and working in my favor to guide me through this thing called life.  The energy pulsing through my body that night only helped reinforce this belief.  And, even in the face of recent events personally and in the world as a whole, since that night I have had this overwhelming sense of peace, a newfound confidence and a general feeling that everything will be alright.

I was hesitant about posting this...because even though it was my own experience, even to me it sounds a bit "out there."  But this year is all about stepping out of my comfort zone and even though there might be a few eye rolls or questions regarding my experience or beliefs, I am done worrying about what other people's interpretations of me might be.  I know me, my higher power knows me and I am perfectly comfortable with that.

Reflections on Turning 40

I don't know why I expected there to be some big revelation...like I would suddenly realize what my purpose here on earth is, or I would have some other big "a-ha" moment and bam, my life as I know it would be drastically different.  In reality, one full month in to my fortieth year, I don't really feel all that different than I did in my 39th year.  I think my big revelations came a couple of years ago, making all of that "life begins at 40" stuff seem less intense.  There have been many a-ha moments, lessons learned and experiences along the way.  Some have been exhilarating, some painful, and some just were.  One thing is clear, I still feel as though I have yet to "arrive."  Maybe this will be the year I figure it all out...maybe it won't.  Either way is fine with me.  

"Each one of us has our own evolution of life, and each one of us goes through different tests which are unique and challenging. But certain things are common. And we do learn things from each other's experience. On a spiritual journey, we all have the same destination." ~A.R. Rahman~

Politics with Julia

It probably doesn't come as a surprise that the kids and I have a lot of political discussions.  The most recent one was a perfect example of how literal Julia really is.

Katie and I were discussing how terrible it would be for this country if Donald Trump was elected.  It started off as a real discussion about real issues but then Katie jokingly said, "The most awful thing would be if he enacted a law that said we must all wear our hair like he does."  We laughed...and went on with the conversation.

Fast forward to a few days later when Julia comes into my office and says to me, "Mom, if Donald Trump is elected, can we please move to England?"  When I asked her why she didn't like the idea of Trump being president, she said, "Because of the hair thing.  He has awful hair!  If he makes that stupid rule we will need to leave immediately."  She was dead serious.  She thought the rule could become reality despite it being a ridiculous and, she completely missed the "social que" (laughter indicating the humor).

I mean honestly, as long as she is on board with Trump as President being a bad idea, the reasoning really doesn't matter, right?  And let's face it...his hair is awful!