Reflections on Turning 40

I don't know why I expected there to be some big revelation...like I would suddenly realize what my purpose here on earth is, or I would have some other big "a-ha" moment and bam, my life as I know it would be drastically different.  In reality, one full month in to my fortieth year, I don't really feel all that different than I did in my 39th year.  I think my big revelations came a couple of years ago, making all of that "life begins at 40" stuff seem less intense.  There have been many a-ha moments, lessons learned and experiences along the way.  Some have been exhilarating, some painful, and some just were.  One thing is clear, I still feel as though I have yet to "arrive."  Maybe this will be the year I figure it all out...maybe it won't.  Either way is fine with me.  

"Each one of us has our own evolution of life, and each one of us goes through different tests which are unique and challenging. But certain things are common. And we do learn things from each other's experience. On a spiritual journey, we all have the same destination." ~A.R. Rahman~

Politics with Julia

It probably doesn't come as a surprise that the kids and I have a lot of political discussions.  The most recent one was a perfect example of how literal Julia really is.

Katie and I were discussing how terrible it would be for this country if Donald Trump was elected.  It started off as a real discussion about real issues but then Katie jokingly said, "The most awful thing would be if he enacted a law that said we must all wear our hair like he does."  We laughed...and went on with the conversation.

Fast forward to a few days later when Julia comes into my office and says to me, "Mom, if Donald Trump is elected, can we please move to England?"  When I asked her why she didn't like the idea of Trump being president, she said, "Because of the hair thing.  He has awful hair!  If he makes that stupid rule we will need to leave immediately."  She was dead serious.  She thought the rule could become reality despite it being a ridiculous and, she completely missed the "social que" (laughter indicating the humor).

I mean honestly, as long as she is on board with Trump as President being a bad idea, the reasoning really doesn't matter, right?  And let's face it...his hair is awful!

Reasons Unknown

It is a strange thing when you see something that reminds you of someone and you go to call them, only to remember that they haven't been a part of your life for two years.  There have been a lot of changes in my life over this time; most of them for the better. For some reason though, looking back, this person not being a part of my life still hurts.  It was their choice to leave.  While I made some decisions that were absolutely a contributing factor in their choice, in the end the simple fact that they left during one of the most tumultuous, difficult and trying times of my life (no matter that I brought it on myself) says a lot about how true a friend they really were to begin with.

 I truly believe that God, the universe, and "nature" really have plan that defies understanding sometimes, though that lack of understanding may be hard to accept, I have to believe that there is a reason for everything, even if it isn't clear at the time.  For some reason, unbeknownst to be, this person was not meant to be with me.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.

RIP Dr. Dyer

The first book I read of  Dr. Wayne Dyer's was "I Can See Clearly Now." Perhaps my favorite quote from the book is this:  "I’ve spoken often of the metaphor of the wake of a boat— that the wake is nothing more than the trail that is left behind, and it has no power in the present. It does not and cannot drive the boat. It is a trail that has no influence on the boat whatsoever."  It was early on in the book and was the first time of many times since then that I felt as if Dr. Dyer was speaking directly to me.

  One of the best gifts I got from reading Dr. Dyer's books was the ability his words had to "make me see." I don't know how to explain it really.  He spoke to me on many levels, in many ways.  I have had countless "aha" moments while reading his books or watching his tv specials.  His perspective, outlook, and attitude have meant so much to me over the past couple of years and I truly believe were a catalyst for my journey from the darkness in to the light.  While it seems weird to be this affected by the passing of someone I have never met, his influence on me has been immeasurable.  He may be physically gone but his teachings, spirit, and wisdom will continue to change the world through the legacy he left behind.

To The Critic Inside My Head

Shut up!  Just shut up!  I don't need you and your damn negativity taking up space in my head.  I have overcome too much to let you get in my way.  There is no room for you in my life.  None.  Whatsoever.  So get the hell out.  And stay out.  You are not welcome here.

Head Games

I wish I didn't put so much stock in my dreams but as silly as this may sound to some, it is very rare (like almost non-existent) that I have a dream that doesn't have some underlying meaning.  My dreams almost always have very specific symbols in them...usually animals.  

Over the past few years in particular, I have grown quite good at interpreting meanings, without the aid of  book or website.  I am able to make pretty decent connections between my dreams and real life, and how they may relate.  Usually, even if in some round about way, they do.

So I am trying not to be too concerned about a couple of recent dreams involving my head.  The first one was about a bug biting my head that would not let go.  I think it was a tick but that was not 100% clear.  It didn't hurt; it was more of a nuisance.  No matter what I tried, or whose help I employed, we could not get it off of  my head.  When I woke up, the immediate thought I had was that something had been trying to "infiltrate" my head to...well, to take over.  It was unsettling to say the least. 

The second dream involved me putting an exorbitant amount of cover up (makeup) on my face...before going to bed at night.  In my dream, I was getting ready and after putting the cover up on I was thinking to myself it was silly to put it on before bed. However, when I thought it would make sense to wash it off, I decided against it because the results of doing so could be bad, very bad.  The obvious interpretation upon waking was that I was trying to hide or cover something up about myself.  Also very unsettling.

Needless to say, I will be paying a bit closer attention in my waking life to my feelings, thoughts and any notion of being "infiltrated" or over-powered.  And is it weird that I totally want to call my PCP (which I need to do anyway to schedule a physical...UGH) and ask for an MRI of my head?  Seriously. 

Well...

...so far the biggest adjustment regarding work has been time management.  Basically, I get up in the morning, get Julia and I ready, drop her off at school, head to work, leave at three, come home cook dinner and go back out to either Girl Scouts, dance or karate, depending on the night.   Sometimes, eating the dinner I have cooked waits until I get back home, which is usually around 8PM.  Even as a working parent myself now, I continue to be in awe of people who do this daily.   It has been a huge adjustment but I am counting this week as a win since I at least managed to make dinner every night, except for our usual Thursday take out dinner.  I am looking forward to the beginning of my regular shift at the end of training which will be 7am-1pm 5 days per week (which includes Saturdays so I will have a day off during the week).  I think it will make for a much less hectic afternoon, which will be nice.  I will need to be in bed earlier than usual as I will be leaving by 6;30 every morning but I can do that.

I am going to love this job from what I have gathered so far.  It's a lot of computer work (navigating multiple systems) combined with customer service over the phone.  I have been very successful with the various programs used.  Whatever doubt I had about being able to work through multiple computer systems has been erased.  I am shocking myself with how comfortable I feel.  There is still more to come...a lot more to learn but I feel good about it all.

Perhaps the best thing so far about this job is just the basic fact of getting out of the house every day, talking to actual people and feeling productive.  I mean it is not like I was sitting around all day doing nothing but, having some place to be just feels good. The feeling productive part has not shown itself at home (just how exactly do people who work and have three busy kids keep their house in some semblance of order)?  I have no idea but I am sure as time progresses, I will figure it out.

All in all, this has been a very positive experience and a huge confidence/morale booster,  It feels good to be successful (again) at something.

Hi Ho , Hi, Ho

In less than twenty-four hours, I officially re-join the work force.  It has been eleven years since I have worked outside of my home...eleven years!  I am both excited and nervous about this new chapter; mostly excited.

I am not sure I intended for my "break from work" to be quite this long.  When I was laid off from my job at the cable company (the company was bought and the office was closing), the timing was perfect.  I was halfway through my pregnancy with Julia.  I wasn't going to look for a job at that point, then go out on maternity leave for a couple of months.  Financially, we were able to make ends meet with Ryun's income.  Going back to work and shelling out for day care seemed counterproductive.  I remember thinking at various points I would probably go back when Julia went to kindergarten.  Kindergarten came and went...year two of kindergarten came and went and here we are, more than half way through her fourth grade year.

Looking back, I feel fortunate to have been home for as long as I was.  Truth be told, the first six years of Julia's life involved more doctor's appointments, physical, speech, and occupational therapy appointments, meetings at school, and developmental evaluations than I could possibly remember.  In addition to all of the commitments I had with Julia, just before Julia was born, Emily had her first seizure.  So for the two years following, we had many trips back and forth to Boston, meetings at school etc. as we worked through defining Emily's diagnosis.   I know how blessed and lucky I was to be able to afford to stay home and take both of them  to every single meeting, appointment, therapy session, etc. without having to worry about calling out of work, rearranging my schedule or anything else that would need to be considered as a working parent.  I am truly in awe of working parents every day and how they, like me, manage every day life, with the added consideration of work in the mix.   Thankfully, my days of continuous appointments, therapy sessions, meetings etc. are a thing of the past.  Emily has been seizure free for 8 years.  Julia has made such an incredible amount of progress that is hard to even picture that she ever needed all of those services to begin with.

The time feels right, and as a believer in the phrase, "If it is meant to happen it will," I know the time is right.  Getting this job is exactly what was supposed to happen, at exactly when it was supposed to happen.  I am nervous (how am I going to "manage" my still very busy life with work being added to the calendar?) but mostly I am excited.  Everything else that work will affect will work itself out, just the way it is supposed to (even if I don't know what that exactly is yet).  I am looking forward to meeting new people, learning new skills, and quite simply, just getting back out there "in to the world" again.

#dearme

The "dear me" campaign is in full swing on you tube and other social media sites.  I thought it would be a fun thing to participate in and realized, though not exactly the same thing, I kind of already had.  Not too long ago I wrote a post on another blog  titled, "Things I Wish I Knew Way Back When."  I have copied it below and added to it.  

I suppose the old adage, "It's never too late" really is true, but do you ever wonder why lessons come so "late" in life?  Something happens and you think, "Hmm...wish I had known this, heard that, thought about this etc. back when I blah blah blah."  This sort of thing happens to me all of the time. Is it a "late thirties" thing (ok almost 40)?  Here are some of the things I wish I knew back when...

-Sometimes you think you know exactly where your life is headed.  Sometimes you are right.  I would venture to say most of the time you are not.  And that's ok.  Sometimes the path is clear.  Sometimes there are obstacles.  Sometimes there are forks.  Sometimes you have to forge through the forest.  There might be people on your path for some of the time.  They may go astray.  That is ok too.  If they are meant to walk with you they will.  There might be some parts of in the journey in which you feel completely alone.  Maybe you are.  Just keep moving.  Many times, your final destination changes.  Different paths emerge.  Obstacles force you to take a new road.  Just let it happen.  Ultimately you will get to where you need to be, where you are supposed to be.

-"People will hate you, shake you, rate you and break you, but how strong you stand will make you." No one knows you like you know you.  In the end that is all that matters.  Know yourself and love what you know.  If you don't love what you know, work harder than ever to change it so you do. It will be hard but it will be worth it.  Trust me on this one. 

-In every situation GO WITH YOUR GUT.  Yes, I am "yelling" that one.  It's probably the most important thing I will say in this whole entry.  Trust yourself.  Don't let anyone make you second guess yourself.  Just do it. 

-Sometimes it just feels "right" to eat a bag of chips.  Like a whole bag.  With french onion dip.  Yeah, maybe you need to lose 50 pounds and maybe the greasy mess will do nothing for your complexion but trust me when I say one bag of chips is not going to kill you.

- Don't let anyone dull your sparkle!  This quote explains:  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  ~Marianne Williamson~

-Forget about all of the reasons it won't work and focus on the one reason it will.  Just be positive.  Think positive.  Change your self talk from I can't, to I can.  

-Caffeine is life.  Up there on the same level of importance as oxygen.  Functioning without it may actually be possible but not recommended.

-Someday, actually on multiple occasions as you approach your 40's and probably even before that, you will realize that every once in a while, your Mom did have a good idea.  You will eventually get to a point, when parenting your own kids, that you open your mouth to speak, and your mother comes out.  Those times will be defining moments.  You will look back gratefully and maybe even want to apologize for not listening to her advice in the first place. 

-When you have kids you will wish you could teach them all of these life lessons (and then some) now. You will, to some degree try.  They won't listen (or at least you won't think they are).  Then someday, perhaps when they too are in their late 30's, they will come to some of these realizations (as well as some of there own), and life, will come full circle once again.  

First Post

Here it is!  I have set a goal to blog more as I have always found writing to be therapeutic, a great way to record a memory and something I thoroughly enjoy doing.  Some particular interests I have which you may see more of here include Celiac Disease, ADHD, Autism and other special needs, photography, reading, arts and crafts, and education...all sprinkled generously with stories from my everyday life.  Welcome to Life According to Shaz!

These are a few of my favorite things...

I have seen this done in other diarys and I thought it was a good idea so, guess what? I am going to do it too! I got this survey through email today so I thought I would share my answers.

Name: Sharon Marie (Sullivan) Ellis

Nickname: Shazzy, Shaz

Birthday: October 4, 1975

Zodiac sign: Libra

single/married/partnered/divorced: married

children: 2, Emily and Katie

Favorites

Color: green

number: 7

Quote: "I keep my friends as miser do their treasure because, of all things granted to us by wisdom, none is greater, or better than friendship." Unknown

singers: Garth Brooks, Jimmy Buffett

Favorite songs by above mentioned singers: Why Don't We get Drunk and Screw(Buffet) If Tomorrow Never Comes(Brooks)

food: italian

non-alcoholic drink: Coca Cola

alcoholic: anything with Kahlua

TV shows: ER Buffy Angel

websites: the one you are currently looking at (lol) whdh.com, classmates.com, spoilerslayer.com, cabbages69.diaryland.com opiuminjars.diaryland.com

Soundtrack: Nottinghill

Cereal: Raisin Bran

Vegetable: broccoli

Meat: steak

Board game: umm...Candyland

Magazine: O

This or That

Chicken or the egg? Egg, by some miracle of God

1/2 empty or 1/2 full: was it full and you drank half of it? If yes, half empty. If you only filled it half way, half full.

Sketchers or Nike: Sketchers

Apple or orange juice: Orange

Coffee or tea: coffee, on occasion

Bath or Shower: Bath

snow or sun: both

What kind of shampoo do you use? Thermasilk

What kind of car do you drive? A "mom" car Ford Taurus Wagon

What was your first car? A 1986 Monte Carlo

Your favorite/dream car: Dodge Intrepid...I don' know why, I just like it

Names of any future children? If we have any...boy: Brendan Ryun Girl...probably Sarah Jane, maybe Sarah Rose, but definitely Sarah...with an "H"

Ever been to a Broadway show: Yup...Les Miserables and I loved it!

Physical attribute most complimented on by members of the opposite sex: my long thick red hair...for some reason, men love it.

Funniest person you know personally: My father

Silliest/stupidist/most daring thing you have ever done while drunk: went skinny dipping in a public pond.

Which friend would you be from the NBC show "Friends"? I am not really too much like any of them but if I had to pick one I would be Monica.

If you were to perform in the circus, which act would you perform in? No clue...the lion tamer I guess...yeah right.

If you could star in a love scene with any living actor who would it be and where would you want it filmed? Ben Affleck and who the hell cares where? I am with Ben...

If you could be a contestant on any game show, which show would you pick? Millionaire or The Price is Right

If you had to rely on one person only in any difficult situation, who would it be? Ryun

If you had to name your 3 greatest accomplishments in your life thus far, what would they be? My children, Emily and Katie, and this journal...lol