Some of these big questions...what do I want to be when I grow up? What mental blocks are preventing me from being smarter about my health and making better choices? How can I overcome them? Why do I spend so much time thinking and not enough time acting? What is this under the surface, always present, yet undefined "thing" that I know I am destined to do, even though I don't know what "it" is yet? Why is mental and physical self care such a difficult thing for me? Why does the thought of my life (if all goes well) being halfway over (give or take) scare the hell out of me (not death but that the past 40 years have flown and the next 40(ish) will too and will that even be enough time to figure my purpose on this planet out)?
For the past ten or so these questions have been there. For the past few, I have been thinking about them more often than not. Thinking is good, Acting is better. No matter what I do, I can't seem to stick with it for more than a few days when it comes to addressing any one of these questions.
I have come to the conclusion that I am going to need help on the way to my "a ha" moment or moments. I just can't do this by myself. I am not sure exactly what this all means...except that I am going back to counseling to to start. I have been in and out of counseling many times. The longest period of time I have gone is for two years which was helpful in resolving a lot of "outside" issues not directly related to any of the questions above. I talked about issues with the kids, major life events and occasional medical issues but have never really gotten deep in to "me."
I feel like I have an incredible ability to go deep, really look at various situations and how they can work out or not. I can easily talk myself in to or out of anything after weighing the options. I have developed a keen ability to calm myself down when anxiety creeps in by employing things I know will work; getting outside, deep breathing, listening to meditative music etc. The place where I falter is taking my thoughts from dream to reality, or at least bringing them to reality and sticking with it. I can do anything for short bursts of time but to really pursue and persevere, I need to make lifelong lasing changes/decisions that work for the long term. I have come to realize that doing so is going to require a lot of outside of myself help and influence. Counseling seems like the next logical step.
Why am I putting this out there in to the world? Because something I have discovered over the past few years is my belief in being open and honest with the "universe", For me, it is like giving it to the world...the universe...God...will help bring some resolutions, ideas, practices to light. It is also in line with my theme for the year of stepping out of my comfort zone. It's never easy to admit I can't handle it all even to myself...let alone the world...or at least anyone who reads my blog.
Cross posted at http://zoningout16.blogspot.com/
