In the never ending quest...

...for self improvement, I did the following things today:

-joined a gym for the first time in my life. The last time I got regular exercise (except for spots here in there for a week or two at a time) was probably high school gym class. That was 17 years ago. It's pathetic and shameful to even admit that but if I am not 100% honest and upfront about this I'll never break through whatever it is that has been holding me back. Besides the obvious physical benefits of exercise, I am almost just as much looking forward to the mental benefits. There is no doubt that a little boost of self confidence and faith in myself, both of which I have always lacked, will be a good thing.

-took out of the cabinet the 31 (yes 31) recipe/cookbooks that I have and haven't used in God knows how long so I can page through them, pick out recipes that I will use and compile them in to one spot (perhaps a binder with dividers). I really need to put more effort and more variety in to what I cook around here. The fact that I cook 95% of what we eat (as opposed to eating out or ordering in) is good but I could certainly be healthier about it than I am.

I have no idea what has taken me so long but, over the past couple of days, I have come to a lot of conclusions. The biggest and most important one? I need to do a hell of a lot better job taking care of myself than I do. Yes I am only 35, but at the same, time...I am 35. This is only going to get harder the older I get. I also can't help but think about how fast time passes. Do I really want to look, and more importantly feel this way for the next 35 years? I can't keep doing this to myself...or to my kids. I have so much more to offer them, but besides that, I want to be a good example. There are some parts of my life in which I do set a good example. In the area of self care, good examples for the kids are lacking...severely. I want them to grow up being confident, independent women. It's partly up to me to show them how to do that.

All of this is certainly motivation. The real motivation though is that I know, deep in my core, that I was given this life to serve a greater purpose. I don't feel like I am living up to what I know is my fullest potential and that is both physically and mentally painful. If I don't push through this and push on, I will never get to experience whatever this greater calling is (and I just know there is one). Knowing is half the battle...now it is time for action.

So as the saying goes: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am done looking back. It's only forward motion from here.

So...

...for the first time she since got on the bus for her second year of preschool, Julia has, for the past couple of mornings, had a very difficult time getting on the bus.

When she started at the public preschool, I drove her to school, even though she was eligible to take the bus. Three just seemed too little to send my baby of on the bus and I liked the communication dropping her off and seeing the teacher every day provided. When we had her IEP meeting for the year she turned four, they recommended that she ride the bus so that when kindergarten came, she would not have as tough of a transition, riding the bus daily to and from school. I agreed, even though I was practically *dying* thinking about sending my baby off on a school bus at age four. That year, we also increased her days in school from two to four, again preparing her for full day kindergarten, five days a week.

Julia has always needed a little extra prep when any change is taking place. You can't just throw her in to a situation and expect that she will handle it fine and will know what is expected of her. So, for the summer before she was to take the bus, we read book that I made detailing her entire routine...from the minute she woke up until the minute she got back off of the bus at home. I made arrangements to take pictures of the bus, pictures of what would be her classroom, and pictures of spots around the house that would be significant in her routine (the kitchen to eat breakfast, bathroom to brush teeth etc). By the time September came, she had the plan committed to memory and for the most part, got on the bus that first day with no problem. She had the, "I might cry" look on her face but held it together and off she went.

When it came time to ride the "big bus" and head to kindergarten, Julia was pretty comfortable with the whole situation. She showed some slight concern about the fact that she would not be in a car seat and buckled in. I did my best to explain that the big bus didn't have seat belts (why don't they anyway?) and she seemed to move on. Every once in a while it would come up last year but I was able to calm her fears pretty quickly and easily.

Fast forward to the past couple of days. She is suddenly "freaking out" about not having a seat belt on the bus and said it makes her "very nervous and worried" which are her exact words. At first I thought it a bit strange that this would come up now after a full year last year on the big bus and a month and a half under her belt this year. I thought that there must be something else and that she was using the lack of seat belts as an excuse to cover whatever else was going on.

After consulting with her sister, who also rides the bus with her, asking her bus driver, and talking to Julia herself, it seems that it really is just the seat belt situation. I did find out that bus evacuation practices has happened or will soon so it is possible that this whole seat belt thing came to light after a discussion at school or on the bus about bus safety. She was literally in tears last night when we were talking about getting on the bus this morning.

Julia and I talked for an hour last night about this. She was very adamant that the bus was not safe, that was was nervous with no seat belt, and that she would not go on the bus ever again. She was as is usually the case very, very set about what was going to go down this morning (she wasn't getting on that bus come hell or high water and she would either miss school or I would be driving her and that's that). Somehow, I eventually managed to convince her that she would be ok. I think she was just too worn out both physically (this went on past her normal bedtime) and mentally to keep going. She did ok this morning though she did ask a few times if I would drive her. I stuck to my original conviction which was that I would not be driving her. I didn't do this to be mean but to teach her that sometimes, life is hard, and you have to push through the fear and uncertainty. Who knew such a lesson could be taught during a discussion about seat belt safety and bus rides to school?

In some ways this shows growth for Julia. It's becoming harder and harder to remember the shy, timid, little girl she used to be.

And clearly, she really has been listening to my constant reminders to buckle up in the car (even if it is a habit for all three kids I still say it every time).

What Part About This Is Funny Again?

This is one of the reasons we are where we are in this country. When people don't even know who their elected/appointed officials are, or how many their are how will it be possible to change anything? The part that gets to me most is that these people, who clearly do not educate themselves about the goings on in this country are probably same people who somehow feel like they have a right to complain. That right is earned...by voting and voting intelligently (and by intelligently I mean by educating yourself and knowing who and what you are voting for).

Check it out.

And no, this is not a hallucination...I did update twice in an hours time.

More On The Election

As mentioned in the previous post, I find election calls to be an annoying waste of my time. I don't need a phone call to help me make my decision regarding who to vote for. However, in most cases, I try to at least listen to what the person on the other end has to say and maybe even have an educated discussion with them. If I get more than one phone call from a specific candidate though (read: Charlie Baker) it is considered by me to be rude and somewhat intrusive. This is what I was referring to in the last post when I interrupted the person on the other end of the line before they had a chance to talk. More annoying than the call itself? It's the bleeping pre-recorded messages that I keep getting from Senator Brown asking me to support Baker. These calls lack pretty much everything that could potentially influence my decisions on election day; personal connection, ability to have a conversation if I so desire etc.

And no, I wasn't planning on voting for Baker anyway, but pre-recorded messages from Senator Brown (who I also didn't vote for) certainly wouldn't sway me.

If someone could please tell me...

...how it is even possible that next week I will be going to an informational meeting at Middleboro High School for parents of incoming first year students, that would be great.

And really how does this happen in what literally feels like the blink of an eye?

She was just two weeks old in that picture and I swear to God and all that is holy it was just like yesterday that I took that.

Volunteer Experience

Below is a list consisting of every volunteer position I have held (since Emily began school anyway). I am in the process of developing a resume that will include in some form my volunteer experiences. I am still not sure how I am going to get this in to resume form without it being pages long as I also need to include some descriptions of what each volunteer position entailed and what I was responsible for. I have a feeling I may need to pick and choose or highlight specific pieces that I feel are important. At some point, I hope to transfer some of these skills and others acquired through my life and work experience to the workforce. Anyway, here is the list.
 

Miscellaneous
Religious Education Teacher	September 2004-June 2005
Girl Scouts
Junior Troop Leader	September 2006-June 2007
Brownie Troop Leader	September 2007-June 2008
Middleborough Elementary PTA
Cultural Enrichment Chairperson	September 2006-June 2007
Fundraising Chairperson	September 2007-June 2008
Mardi Gras Carnival Co-Chair	September 2007-June 2009
Advocacy Committee Chair	September 2009-present
President	September 2008-present
Nichols Middle School PTSA
Member	September 2008-present
Massachusetts PTA
Advocacy Team	September 2009-present
State Advocacy Chairperson	April 2010-present
Federal Legislative Chair	January 2011-present
Middleborough Public Schools
Parent Volunteer	September 2004-present
Memorial Early Childhood Center School Council	September 2009-present
Henry B. Burkland School Council	September 2010-present
Nichols Middle School Council	September 2010-present
Henry B. Burkland School Spring Dance Chair	September 2010-present
Title I Parent Advisory Council	October 2010-present
Anti-Bullying Task Force	May 2010-present
Health and Wellness Committee	November 2010-present
Strategic Planning Committee	December 2010-present
Yes 4 Middleboro Schools PAC	March2007-present

Influence

I felt only slightly bad last night cutting off someone calling for my vote during the election by saying, "I made my decision regarding who to vote for before your call, and it wasn't for your candidate" before the speaker even had a chance to say anything.

I don't know why really, but political calls annoy me. I understand why they are made (mostly for polling purposes I assume) but I wonder how much influence they have on how someone votes. I know for me if you call me asking for my vote I am just going to be aggravated by it. Maybe it is because I am someone who actually researches and educates myself about the candidates and I don't need a phone call to help make my decision. I wonder the same thing about lawn signs. Do these signs actually influence or change the way someone votes? I guess it might make a difference to someone who doesn't do the research and votes solely on the basis of who signs they have seen the most of. Is this any way to vote though? I suppose the candidates don't care, as long as they are elected. It is just a major turn off for me when someone doesn't educate themselves about who will represent them and clearly, someone who votes based solely on signs, is not making a well informed decision.

It isn't all that shocking that every political call I have gotten in this election year has been from a Republican candidate. It makes sense in the current political climate. I am registered as an independent (or is it called undeclared now?) but I honestly don't think I have ever voted for a Republican. I just wanted the option. I truly do vote for the person, not the party. It just so happens that I have always liked more what the Democratic candidate had to say.

Why...

...do overwhelming thoughts of what I need and want to do (with day to day things and life in general things)need to flood my head just before bed time? I am pretty sure that I will not be able to sleep now because my brain won't shut off.

Also? I really should keep a good old fashioned paper and pen style journal in addition to this one. There are just some things that aren't meant for public consumption.

One more thing? I should totally write a book. After I get over myself.

And that, is my rant for the night. Going to cue up the "sleepy time" play list on the ipod and attempt to sleep.

Jackhammer

I woke up this morning with a massive headache...complete with nausea and distorted vision. Somehow, I managed to get the kids off to school without dying in the process (why yes, I am super Mom), then took four ibuprofen and went back to bed. I woke up a couple of times because the phone rang but basically slept until noon. Upon waking, I immediately felt guilty thinking about how I had wasted half the day (yes I realize how ridiculous this is).

So, even though I could have stayed in bed for hours longer, I got up, ate something and attempted to tackle the to do list. This was met with little success (although if I had put, "clear the DVR out and watch hours of tv" I could have crossed that off). The headache lingered (though it was less severe) for most of the afternoon. As the day progressed I felt better and managed to cook a delicious dinner for the family (meatloaf, mashed potatoes and carrots...total comfort food for a blah, yucky day).

I am still not feeling quite right but markedly better in comparison. And yes, I am still annoyed by how much time was wasted while I slept the day away. Sometimes? I really need to chill the heck out when in comes to the to do list.

Anniversary

Nine years ago this month, I started blogging. Wow. To put that in perspective, Emily was just four years old, Katherine was almost two and Julia had not yet graced us with her presence. The girls are now thirteen, almost eleven ,and six. Somehow, nine years seems even longer when I think about it in those terms.

Nine years of my life have been chronicled for the world to see. This blog (and other incarnations of it) has been with me through many trials and tribulations, births and deaths, joys and sadness. It has helped see things in a different light, made me laugh, and made me cry, either through my writing or responses to it. It has been therapeutic in ways that I couldn't even begin to express. Perhaps most importantly it has helped me remember...remember some of the little things that I otherwise may have forgotten as time passing tends to make us do...remember some of the big things that maybe I might have wanted to forget but can now refer back to and see what lessons can be learned...remember the great joys, great difficulties, the happiness,the sadness and everything in between that the past nine years of my life has brought.

I have no plans to ever give this up...writing that is. Whether it will always take the form of a blog...who knows. What I know for sure that this outlet has been one of the most rewarding and fulfilling parts of my life and one that I plan to explore for many years to come.

Today

Today, Ryun got a job.

Today, for the first time in who knows how long I actually made a conscious effort to pray for something (in this case for Ryun to get a job).

Today, just a few short hours after I prayed for this, it came to be.

It's not the first time something like this has happened to me but each time it does, it stirs up feelings that are unexplainable. It makes me question even further exactly what I believe.

Not too long ago I finished reading the book, "Women, Food and God" written by Geneen Roth. As I always do, I went through the book highlighting parts that spoke to me or that I may want to refer back to. There was one part that described the author's feelings about a higher power. It was perhaps the single most reflective part of the whole book for me, in that it seemed to perfectly describe how I feel about "God" most of the time. Here it is.

"I don't believe in a God with long white hair and x ray vision that favors some people, some countries, some religions and not others. I don't believe in the sky dweller, the knower of all things, the granter of prayers. But I do believe in the world beyond appearances, and that there is so much that we can't see or touch or know just by looking. And I do believe-because I have experienced it again and again-that the world beyond appearances is as real as a chair, a dog, or a teapot. And I believe in love. And beauty. I believe every single person has something they find beautiful and that they truly love. The smell of their child's hair, the silence of the forest, their lover's crooked grin. Their country, their religion, their family. And I believe if you follow this love all the way to it's end, if you start with the thing you find the most beautiful and trace it's perfume back to it's essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the thing you love to be visible like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon. I don't believe in the God that most people call God, but I do know that the only defintiion that makes any sense is one that uses this human life and its suffering-the very things we believe we need to hide or fix-as a path to the heart of love itself."

I don't know by who or what my prayers were answered-or if Ryun's getting a job just hours after I asked for it to be was mere coincidence. I'd like to think that it wasn't though. There is something comforting in knowing that the universe was looking out for me and that maybe, just maybe there is some greater being listening to and answering my prayers.