Despite my kick but letter, I did not get my own desk at work. I did however find out that there may be a lead position opening up in the very near future. So, in spite of my threatening to quit, I have decided to stick it out for a little while to see if the position does in fact become a reality. If it does I will apply for it and, given my seniority and experience, I am sure I will get it. I guess sometimes you have to give something up to get something better. That is a philosphy that I could apply to many areas of my life if I could summon the willpower to do so.
Willpower is something I seriously lack. Some days I think, "Ok, this is the day I am going to step up to the plate and change what is wrong with my life. Nothing is going to get in my way." Sometimes, I hold on to that "go get em" attitude for a few days but, inevitably it seems, I eventually slip back in to the same routine, the same old habits. I am truly inspired by those who have made drastic life changes and have stuck by them, inspired by people who have made decsions that have altered their lives in positive an long lasting ways. I wish I knew what was holding me back.
Why can't I be like them? Why do I feel like there is something out there just waiting for me to take hold? Why do I feel like I am cheating my husband and children out of knowing the "real me" because I can't seem to figure out on my own who the "real me" is? Why do I constantly feel like I am putting on an act? Why do I always feel like I have so much more to offer my family, friends, and the world more than I currently am? Why is it so hard for me to understand that unless I straighten out my life and my feelings right now, I will undoubtedly feel this way forever?
These are questions I ponder daily. As with any change, there is a bit of uncertainty and unfamiliar ground. Is that it, am I just afraid of the unknown?
